Futility (n): pointlessness, hopelessness, or uselessness


Yes. I feel all these things I say as I look up the definition. I just pulled the Seven of Swords in the Thoth Tarot Deck by Aleister Crowley. Sometimes I pull cards to just have my current emotions confirmed. I feel that is all the cards do, show you in physical manifestation what you are already feeling or focusing on. Ahhhh, damn cards know I am feeling hopeless, maybe I should have done things differently, but there is a silver lining in questioning yourself, sitting in meditation, and observing all of this emotion. The silver lining is knowing that you can always start from your current state onto the path you choose at this moment in reflection. You can always shift.  I stare at the sword in the middle and think, Oh shit! All the others swords are pointing at the central sword. What does this mean?


“The Seven of Swords is that state of mind, which produces futility, or the sense of helplessness, hopelessness, or “what’s the use?” Basically, this state of mind is knowing mentally what you want, which is represented by the central sword, and then telling yourself all the reasons why it’s not going to work, which is represented by the six swords coming in at the central sword. This is negative thinking, or the sabotaging mind, that sabotages what it is that you really want. It’s the yes-but tape in the mind, telling yourself the reasons why things won’t work.


The Seven of Swords is Sun and Moon in Aquarius. The two wavy lines at the bottom of the card are associated with Aquarius. The circle with the dot I the middle is the sign of the Sun, and the crescent moon symbolizes the Moon. Six ways that we sabotage what we want are revealed by the astrological symbols on the handles of the swords. The negative aspect of Saturn, or the yes-but aspect of Saturn, is telling ourselves that there is too much red tape or too many details. The other handle of the sword has the symbol of Mercury, the planet of communication on it. The negative self-talk of Mercury, negative communication to the self, is using such words as “I can’t…if only…someday I’ll…wish I’d a…,” all negative communication to the self about why this project or situation won’t work. On the other handle of the sword is Jupiter; Jupiter is the planet of flexibility and expansion. The negative self-talk of Jupiter is that, “I am not lucky….it’s too constricted, too limiting.” On the other handle of the sword is Mars; the positive aspect of mars is energy, vitality, and assertion. The negative self-talk of Mars would be, ‘I don’t have enough energy….I’m exhausted, burned out….it’s dull, boring.” On the other handle of the sword is the sign of Venus, which is associated with love. The negative self-talk of Venus is, “I really don’t care…it doesn’t mean anything to me anyway,” is the sabotaging component of Venus. The final handle of the sword has double loops on it, which is associated with the Sun and the Moon. The negative aspects of the Sun and the Moon is that consciously and subconsciously you sabotage yourself out of doing what it is that you want to do.


The sabotaging mind or the yes-but tape will generate the experience of futility, or what’s the use, or helplessness, and hopelessness. Basically, it’s important to remember that the Seven of Swords represents the mind that knows what it wants, which is symbolized by the central sword, and the other six swords represent the yes-but tape in the mind, or ways of telling ourselves all the reasons why things are not going to work.


When you pull this card, it indicates that in the next seven weeks or the next seven months you are no long willing to sabotage what it is that you want. The number 7 is associated with the Chariot, which is the generator and motivator of change, and 7 is the number of movement, so somehow, in the next seven weeks or next seven months, you are wanting to move through negative thinking in the mind that sabotages what it is that you want. Also, during the next seven weeks or seven months there would be an opportunity to release sabotaging patterns that have surfaced either in the last seven months, or sabotaging patterns that go back to seven years ago, or sabotaging patterns that may have been implemented when you were seven years old. It might be interesting to see which of your parents had a tendency to sabotage what he or she wanted through negative thinking, because somehow, in the seven weeks or the next seven months, you are no longer willing to be the lineage bearer or the legacy bearer of family futility patterns or sabotaging patterns held in the mind“ (The Tarot Handbook by Angeles Arrien).”


Wow! This is my life to a T at the moment. How many years have I lived in this yes-but paradigm, all the while manifesting dreams but in some way limiting them with this self-sabotaging voice of fear in the back of my mind? I am in this transition from leaving the previous life I knew, working 7-5 and then working every moment after that on my own personal business, education, and the practices that enliven my soul and heart. Thinking that somehow I could do it all, be the conventional person and live my true path in the world. There were so many points where I thought, there is way too much to do to really be able to exist this way, maybe one day I will travel the world, what makes me so special that I can live the dream life, this existence can be so draining but I must push through, and most importantly in love thinking I am okay without anyone to support and be my partner in life. Don’t we all have these points where we self-sabotage our dreams?!


Recently, I decided I no longer live the life where I say, yes-but..Instead I live..yes-and… (Thanks Ally for that twist on words). I am going through a point in life where I am setting boundaries, re-defining relationships within friendships, love, business, myself, and family. Yes family! I love how this card says that I am not willing able to be the lineage bearer of the family legacy. I am coming to terms that for me to move forward in life I must burn through the karmic patterns of my family, shed this “conventional” way of existence in the world. I am realizing limitations of my parents and how that has reflected in my life, especially in love.


In the next seven weeks I am embarking upon a personal journey through the rainforests of Peru. A journey I have been looking forward to since 2008, which happens to be almost 7 years ago. There are so many negative events that happened a full 7 years ago, when I was seven, and even seven months ago that I am ready to shed. This is always my journey, to shed the pain, heartache, negativity, and move forward to be the best version of myself. Be a person who can share their gifts to the world and flourish in full abundance of my passions. For me, this is always what I wanted as a little girl in my bedroom reading book after book, imagining traveling the world, bringing joy to those in pain/depression, keeping innocence alive while standing tall in the harsh realities of the world. Everything, I mean EVERYTHING,  I have done up to this point, gone through, all the pain, all the loneliness, walking this path with true gratitude for my guides and support, is to share with the world how to heal, regain our innocence (beginners mind), take care of our bodies/mind/heart/soul, and foster beauty/freedom/community in the world. I am now at the point where there is no turning back, my seven year old self is back and claimed my life back. Therefore, all the negativity and blocks must leave.


This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.


Every day, every day, every day, every way,
Gonna let my little light shine.
Light that shines is the light of love,
Hides the darkness from above,
Shines on me and it shines on you,
Shows you what the power of love can do.
Shine my light both bright and clear,
Shine my light both far and near,
In every dark corner that I find,
Let my little light shine.

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.

Monday gave me the gift of love,
Tuesday peace came from above,
Wednesday told me to have more faith,
Thursday gave me a little more grace,
Friday told me to watch and pray,
Saturday told me just what to say,
Sunday gave me the power divine,
Just to let my little light shine.

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.

Shine, shine, shine, shine, shine.




City Discoveries

City Discoveries

The cold comes in and lingers, days turn into weeks and the cold only gains in momentum. For days, that I add up to weeks, the wind chimes outside my home have yet to stop moving and creating a cacophony of melodious sounds. The sound is beautiful, although I wonder when it will all stop. Days of observations of the psyche, environment, body, and soul continue without respite. Each day a new emotion or a new aha moment of understanding.


The world is upset about politics, the way we are governed, and the outcome of the world. Solutions seem hard to come by as blame and fingers point to those who are “responsible.” As I look out on the metro and notice how new homes/apartments are supposedly improvements or better than ghetto living with the poor. I just don’t see it. I see the buildings as prisons. Humans stacked on top of humans, boxes to live and die in, creating funeral homes of people losing their souls and purpose for living. This idea of being “safe” in a building made of materials that could easily blow away, cause more waste, and perpetuate an industry of illusion. The same one so many are trying to break free from. I look at these old beautiful buildings and don’t understand why people want to destroy the old as a quick fix and erect something new, when there are so many beautiful buildings, sturdy, full of space that can accommodate the human existence. I see the future of your new buildings in the present condition of past buildings. New ghettos popping up everyday.


What will it take to see that using the same solutions that cause problems for most situations will be our downfall? When will we see that by refusing to confront, fix, and appreciate what we already have is the solution to most of the issues in the world? What will it take to show society that we are only as strong as our weakest link? Why can’t we lift each other up and scream for community? What are we really afraid of? Peace? Acceptance? Compassion? NO! We are afraid of the real work, time, and understanding it takes to come up with real long lasting compassionate solutions. We are afraid of the true reality::


If everyone is that way, then how can you even be considered special or unique?


I have been to the West Coast and seen the beauty of nature, the mountains, hills, Redwoods, and Sequoias reach high into the sky. Take notice! On the East Coast we live in some of the oldest woods and forests. The same forests that nurtured the world for so long. Nature and herbal flora so diverse, just as diverse as the humans that live on the East. Every day we are in this nature, fully exposed yet we plow down the old forests full of fairies, magic, creatures, wilderness, and the most diverse herbal flora in the world to create concrete forest floors with concrete, recycled materials, and glass Redwoods, reaching high into the sky to house the most diverse cultures known to man in one location. Each step you take in this city is on the floor of Pachamama. Maybe on the East coast we forget because Nature doesn’t loom over us to make us feel small, but what is the sky? What are the plants? What are we? Aren’t we worth the chance to allow bio-diversity in all walks of life?