Star Date: Kin 199 Blue Self-Existing Storm
Sunday, February 1, 2015
“This journey is not for the faint of heart. This journey is for those who are ready to see their true self, are ready to put into practice how they want to live, and are ready to remove the veil of the false ideals of living in the modern world. This journey is not to be taken lightly.” ~Excerpt from Journal
Waking from my slumber, if you want to call it that, deep in the jungles of Tarapoto I look around blind without glasses or contacts and see just the white of the mosquito net, the rain is falling and I stay in the covers because around me EVERYTHING is wet. Last night I sat in the first ceremony of the 10 day journey in the jungle to drink ayahuasca, no food, ONLY water, no talking, and no eye contact, not that it matters because my hut is down 30 mud stairs carved into the earth off alone from the pack. This hut that has no walls, a roof to shield from the rain (PARTIALLY!), a bed with a mosquito net, a hammock I cannot use because of all the mosquitos, and did I mention a bed?
I am starting to feel hungry, but part of me really does not want any food because I want the cleanse, to feel unhindered by food. The water is fresh, but is not clear, and with all the beautiful minerals of Earth the taste is intense, so I find it hard to drink. A part of me is scared shitless of this journey, but this is what I want. I want to be in the jungle, alone with my thoughts, alone with the plants, animals, feel the wetness of the earth, an experience seven years ago ayahuasca called my psychically to embark upon.
I feel the ayahuasca still vibrating through my veins and I still am having a hard time realizing that I am finally here. That all her previous work through meditations, visits through other plants, and changes in my life brought me to this moment. I can feel the cleanse. My first experience a couple of weeks ago was more of a rebirth, a journey through my actual growth in my mother’s womb, permission from her to continue to work with the plants, visions and ideas on how I am to engage, share, and teach the world how to heal the earth, and most importantly a welcome home party of sorts. A reunion with my soul, her soul, and a sweet enduring reminder that there is never a time I am apart from earth.
Last night aya spent time cleaning all the personal attachments to others and my identity. Cradling me sweetly in her arms as the medicine flows creating ecstatic undulations, raising kundalini through the sushumna nadi guiding me into blissful purging. Blissful purging you ask? Yes! I am happy to release the old, usher in the new, and allow my true nature time and fertile land to grow.
Star Date: Kin 200 Yellow Overtone Sun
Monday, February 2, 2015
“For the first time in my life, I am coming almost fully healthy to a relationship, so there is bound to be bumps with the people I meet because I am learning, I am getting better.” ~Excerpt from Journal
Integration, this is the word of the day. Immersed in this experience I write in my journal the history of relationships with men. I attempt to make a timeline of sorts of the past 13 years. Starting from my first real kiss as a senior in high school with the first boy I chose to love and moving into the long list of traumatic moments in relation. Why so many traumatic experiences?! Should I share? I feel vulnerable in this post but, this timeline is more of a way to understand where I went in my psyche after being raped so shortly after my first real, awakening relationship. I notice in the timeline how my drinking increases with each relation until a culmination of pain finally leads me to the last straw in 2010. I notice how the past wells up in tears overflowing onto the paper, realizing I spent so much time pushing the pain away and doing a major disservice to myself. I do not blame any of the men, I do not blame myself, I only acknowledge and understand how I spent so much time in fear. I can tell this is more of the cleanse from the ceremony two days ago. I no longer feel a connection to the past pain, I feel resolute and joy. It is one thing to mentally believe in my power and another to feel the release and step into the power within my body, which in itself alone is scary. I write an affirmation to remind myself the purpose of this work,
“I release myself from the pain, the hurt, physical abuse, and the physical manifestation of the abuse in my body. I let go of the pain of being raped and reclaim my soul back, my sexuality, my beauty. No longer do I dumb down or push away what I deserve due to fear that is untrue. I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am love, my body is whole, my world is abundant, and I am worth being held, cared for, loved, and celebrated. I am worth a man who wants every part of me, just the way I am.” ~Excerpt from Journal
Star Date: Kin 201 Red Rhythmic Dragon
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
“I do not know what time it is although I see the sun create shadows. Hours turn into days but I make it up the hill to complete a full standing yoga practice. I only drank three cups of water in the past three days, the yoga practice creates a thirst, thank God! My dreams are intense, the land is shaking my existence, my vision returns slowly and my nails look strong and shiny.UPGRADE!” ~Excerpt from Journal
Star Date: Kin 202 White Resonant Wind
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
“Drinking ayahuasca alone is amazing! I miss the songs, but revel in the sounds of the jungle, the silence of human existence, and the deep journey in my physical body. Lesson: physical extractions of gunk.” ~Excerpt from Journal
I think I love drinking ayahuasca on my own because there is only my experience, no songs singing when I long for silence and no one else around but my main lover Pachamama. Last night and into this morning her and I speak sweet words of intention and understanding as she tells me she is going to clean any residual gunk in the lower chakras, heart, and throat chakra. This manifests as a snake inside my body, starting around the womb I see the snake devour black matter, growing in size. The snake moves up the spine, eating black matter all the way up to the heart. The snake spends significant amount of time around the heart and I am in a trance of sorts, there are no other visions, and my mind is clear. I lay in the hut aka bed alone, listening to the sounds of the jungle as the snake moves into the throat chakra. Breaking down black matter, releasing fear of speaking, sharing truths, and writing for others to read my life experiences. I am nauseas and want it to end because I do not know how much more opening and healing I can take at the moment. It is quite overwhelming and aya says to me in her sweet but firm voice, “we can finish this now or I can come back later, it’s your choice.” I battle back in forth between, “let’s end it” and “no wait! let’s finish it so we don’t have to come back.” Ultimately, I chose to end it because there is so much! My body is undulating and vibrating at such a high frequency I do not even know how to contain myself. I reach these points with her where I can feel the full kundalini experience and I think I understand what it means when I read in books about the full meditation experience. I think there is more personal practice without the aid of plants I want to embark upon before staying a long time with her in this state that maybe resembles samadhi. I get the sense that in my personal journey she is just opening the door slightly for me to put my toe into as I use the breeze of her kisses to enhance personal life practice of meditation and discovery.
Star Date: Kin 203 Blue Galactic Night
Thursday, February 5, 2015
“I AM HUNGRY! I can’t stop thinking about all the vegetarian sushi I am going to make when I get back to the states. That is all.” ~Excerpt from Journal
Star Date: Kin 204 Yellow Star Seed
Friday, February 6, 2015
“New creation: a complete in bed yoga class. Maybe I can return to the states and teach in bed. HA! Although I get up and do a full practice, there is so much time left that I find myself stretching in bed the whole time. I also can sit in meditation for much longer now, I don’t know the amount of time because I am not looking at a watch, phone, or anything other than the jungle dense forest around me. This is life. This is my choice. Integration. More things than I can even explain in words. Images that only if I could draw others could see and understand.” ~Excerpt from Journal
Star Date: Kin 206 White Spectral World-Bridger
Sunday, February 8, 2015
“I see. I understand. I know why I am here.”~Excerpt from Journal
I sit and ask aya to show me some of my past lives or maybe the reason why I am here if there is no such thing as past lives. She shows me the first incarnation of who I am. How I came to be and this is beyond magical. There is no way to share in words this experience. I leave this journey as an open invitation for you to ask her yourself one day.
In conclusion, life is one lesson of self-discovery. Do you need ayahuasca to discover who you are? A jungle experience? No! This is the work I do all the time no matter where I am in the world. Is working with the plant amazing? YES! As a lover of plants, most times when there is a chance to learn and experience a new plant, I am very much into the process. I am also a believer that you can work with a plant without ever ingesting or touching the plant, but that is for another post another time. Is this the end? No! There is so much more to say but for now…INTEGRATION.