A path emerges,
step by step.
Each rock fallen into perfect space.
Flowers bloom with the scent of
danger, love, delicate promises, on the tip of their lips.
Trickling water laps over the stones;
as hard surfaces give way to smoothness
The Sun’s rays split emerald canopies, offering rainbows in water drops.
Down this path…
Wounds, sorrow, and guilt,
shed as the beauty and harmony of mother earth demands your agony abandoned at her doorstep.
Heavy baggage burns in the fire of purification.
A scorching flame found within the heart.
Blazing naked, one arrives to the edge.
Gazing out into passionate expansiveness, a point of suspension.
The limitless feeling, the void, and adrenaline all mingled into an expression of
WHAT IF ‘I’ DOES NOT EXIST?
Star Date 126.96.36.199 Kin 210
White Lunar Dog
I polarize in order to love
I seal the process of heart
With the lunar tone of challenge
I am guided by the power of spirit
I am a galactic activation portal enter me
The road to this trailhead is windy, narrow, unpaved, bumpy, and full of pines and stars. The scent is overwhelming peaceful, as I am crammed in the back seat with César as we slowly creep closer to Clear Creek trailhead. Thinking about the energy for the day, a White Dog GAP day, and how I am a White Self-Existing dog. I feel a deep love for my dear friend, spiritual brother, and an innate loyalty our soul contract requires. We are embarking upon a challenge guided by spirit set by an intention I made many years ago when I discovered Mt. Shasta existed, to climb up there, spend a night or two, and meditate for hours with the spirit of the mountain. My intention is similar to César’s, whose goal is to hike to the summit of the mountain.
Ali and Michelle drop us off at 21:27 at the Clear Creek trailhead. We prep our gear, fill out forms, and grab poop bags! WHAT?! I must be crazy. I am about to start a hike in the evening through woods I never seen before, with animals, and no way to use a bathroom except on a piece of paper with a target and bag to put human waste in. I pray I do not need to use the bathroom but at the same time I feel excitement for the journey. We start the hike at 21:35, an ascent from below the tree line to above the tree line is the goal before midnight. Headlamp leads the way as we wind through the dark tree line. Looking up to see the stars during occasional breaks. I see the moon hidden amongst the tree line, low in the sky, large, warm yellow orange peak through tree line at times as we twist and turn through the tall pine forest. The moon is in Gemini on the eastern horizon. While in the western horizon Vega is bright in the sky and is a constant companion as we hike in the dark, leading the way towards Mt. Shasta’s peak.
22:11 – We are at a clearing and the waning gibbous moon is higher in the sky with Orion chasing after the moon. Vega still sits above the top of Mt. Shasta and we almost don’t need a headlamp to light the path. Shasta’s snowy peak gleams and beams in the night sky and only if my camera could capture the beauty, the stillness, the peace.
23:15 – A slow ascent but we are at a full clearing and Vega begins to set beyond the peak of Shasta. I see a red shooting star beam into the mountain and feel a sense of accomplishment for taking on an adventure outside of my comfort zone, but something I’ve always dreamed about. I recall a friend who I associate shooting stars with and know that he is right there with me at that moment experiencing the epic night sky through my senses and is guiding me on the path with love. The idea of being on this mountain so high up watching the sky rotate as we revolve around the Earth’s axis brings an eternal smile to my face. I know that when I am older and smile lines are etched in my skin this is one of the experiences that helped mark me with the beauty of that wrinkle. What more is there to life?
Star Date 188.8.131.52 Kin 211
Blue Electric Monkey
I activate in order to play
I seal the process of magic
With the electric tone of service
I am guided by the power of vision
I am a galactic activation portal enter me
00:00 – Happy Halloween! We are above the tree line and hear the babbling creek, which means there is water and we are close to where we should camp for the evening. The moon is high in the sky and lights our way as we abandoned the headlamp for the moon an hour ago. On the left of the trail appears to be the perfect spot to camp, soft, not too many rocks, some small bushes to block part of the wind. We collect water from the stream and set up camp. I purposefully make sure the tent doors are facing the East and West. East towards the mountain range horizon where the continuous stars emerges from the other side of the world. The west contains the peak of Mt. Shasta, which I stare at before going to sleep in awe at the beauty of the snow-covered peak reflecting the brightness of the moon.
05:00 – Alarm goes off. The sun is still asleep lighting the other part of the world, but Venus, Jupiter, and Mars look so beautiful in the sky in Virgo. Almost in a straight line in the sky and I honor Venus and the planets and stars as I step out into the cold morning air. The moon illuminates but not so much that I can’t see the stars. Orion is still in the sky following the moon closer to the peak of Mt. Shasta and it is one of the most beautiful sights in my life. The early morning sky with Venus my lover up high in the east, what more is there to life? Seriously? I fall back to sleep and dream prophetic visions of which are too hard to explain.
06:55 – I open the tent door and the colors are magnificent. A yellow, orange hue of early first sunrise. The planets are still out to play. César preps and leaves for his ascent higher as I keep the tent door open after walking around some to watch the sun rise with protection from the cold and wind. Sun gazing is always amazing but on this mountain with the peak of Mt. Shasta behind me and the mountain ranges in front of me….the first rays of the sun comes over the mountains. I have seen some beautiful sunrises before but this one is definitely in the top 5. This is why I came here; to see the stars, to see the sunrise, to feel the mountain energy as I sleep under peak, to feel the vibrations and sound of the mountain, to see the patterns unknown to my eyes while I stare at the sun restructuring and it strengthens my eyes. The dreams are so intense on the mountain; old lovers, friends, and people I never met before visit me. We frolic on adventures and rejoice in peace and love. I stay awake until 8am forgetting today is a Rainbow Meditation day and yet I some how feel a surge of energy as I am in deep meditation around this time. Eventually I fall back into a state of visions and dreams.
10:00 – I emerge from the tent finally and the moon is still out. I watch it set beyond the peak in less than 3 min. I look around my surroundings; the full day sun is much different than the night, early morning, and sunrise. There is a rock, which I thought at one point in the night, was a bear, I yelled at it in the evening, but seeing it as a large rock now I laugh at myself and think this is where I am spending my day. Perched on the rock to stretch, lay out my crystals for charging, write poetry, meditate, and lay out and slab. Slab is a term I use for laying on rocks which capture the sun’s heat and transfer the warmth into my body. Therefore, I am smack in the middle of warmth from the sun and the rock. It works quite nicely all over the world in many locations.
11:00 – I sit here and write after a short yoga session on the massive rock, which obviously fell down from the peak. Crystals charge facing the peak, I listen to the sounds of the mountain; the wind, comes into my ears and tells me the secrets of the mountain, the water cascades down small bubbling creek in the distance, the tress below are rustling to one another with the wind, and the sun beams down as clouds pass through the mountain range. I spend hours staring up at the clouds that are above me and look down at the clouds that are below me. There are patterns in the clouds, there are patterns I see in my eyes but I am unsure how to explain their shapes and morphing. The clouds give away to images of unicorns, dolphins, and other mystical creatures. I think about César and what the view must look like from higher up the mountain, in moments I am transported to his eyes, a bird’s eye view above the clouds, atop different peaks of 360-degree views of mountains. I feel as though I am a space holder as he traverses above the clouds into 14,000ft. of lofty existence. I can feel the Earth pulsating beneath me and my body captures the lessons where my intelligent mind is unable to grasp the subtleties of sacred matter. Who wants the mind to cloud the pureness of nature? The body, spirit, and soul have a higher understanding of things unseen. All I know…this is the life as a pray for the return of my brother in one piece.
3:15 – César comes back into camp and is freezing, I drape him in his sleeping bag, offer warm tea, delicious snack, and warm blanket. He looks as if he has seen the unseen. His eyes are wide, hands are cold, hair is in all directions, and he is alive! He discusses his epic climb to the summit, above the clouds he stared at them for what seemed like hours. The same clouds I saw below he saw above and we share images, thoughts, and exasperated exclamations of how it is all so unexplainable. On his descent he fell multiple times, became lost, and wandered around the mountain hoping just hoping he could find camp. Luckily he embarked upon a large stone with an arrow we had seen the night before and back tracked, more like re-climbed the mountain again to return home. I am so happy he made it safely because I began to get nervous about his return, praying for him to be safe, and felt him searching, but as any older brother/sister I gave him a little smart-ass remarks on his return and said he has no right to complain since this is the journey he chose. He made it back just in time for him to warm up some, eat a snack, pack up and make it down in time to meet our ride. As there is no cell service and these things must be planned and committed to before departing the presence of those who are helping. The descent down is quick and painless. My focus is getting us to warmth especially after César hiked in a guayabera, a Cuban button down shirt and a small pull over Tibetan hoodie and rain jacket; basically not enough gear to actually stay warm 14,000 ft. Also hunger takes over as coconut strips and little bit of water was all there was to feed me. In the moment and reflection I am nothing more than grateful for his fearlessness to climb to the summit, to have the opportunity to support his quest by holding space energetically, physically, and in prayer, spend time in communion with Mt. Shasta, and the chance to experience the summit through his eyes. Each day since then is constant integration and understanding images I saw, vibrations I experienced, and the union of the stars/planets as they play on my life.
All warm and no longer on the mountain
Lessons on how one shows up in the world. These are what come from days as yesterday. Learning how I react when put into positions different than my desires, although the way is chosen and its fortuitous. I ended where I was going, but not as I wanted to go. Confronting the pain, disappointments, and internal voices saying I made a wrong decision cloud the psyche. In the end, arriving to a place where I am most loved and realizing I am loved the whole journey is the most important lesson to understand. The whole way were guardian angels reaching out to assist the journey. My only block is the way I chose to see certain moments. Restructuring the vision to faith pushes the objective and purpose of life through the lens of love.
I myself was far from an angel in the situation. I made fun of myself and my little pity party. I knew I was being whiny and apologizing for the fact. I am still evolving into a better version of myself. I spent much time reminding myself the lesson of love and the way of the solo wanderer. Reminded that to wander free one must remove attachments to desires and outcomes. Always returning to this understanding but with the nagging sense that I wasn’t going as expected! The expectation of the what….the how. This is the way of travel…the constant surrender.
I share this to enlighten the way of the wanderer and leave you with one of my all time favorite lists from The Book of Five Rings:
THE WAY OF WALKING ALONE (or The Way of Self-Reliance)
- Do not turn your back on the various Ways of this world.
- Do not scheme for physical pleasure.
- Do not intend to rely on anything.
- Consider yourself lightly; consider the world deeply.
- Do not ever think in acquisitive terms.
- Do not regret things about your own personal life.
- Do not envy another’s good or evil.
- Do not lament parting on any road whatsoever.
- Do not complain or feel bitterly about yourself or others.
- Have no heart for approaching the path of love.
- Do not have preferences.
- Do not harbor hopes for your own personal home.
- Do not have a liking for delicious food for youself.
- Do not carry antiques handed down from generation to generation.
- Do not fast so that it affects you physically.
- While it’s different with military equipment, do not be fond of material things.
- While on the Way, do not begrudge death.
- Do not be intent on possessing valuables or a fief in old age.
- Respect the gods and Buddhas, but do not depend on them.
- Though you give up your life, do not give up your honor.
- Never depart from the Way of the Martial Arts.
Second Day of the Fifth Month, Second Year of Shoho 
Star Date: Kin 199 Blue Self-Existing Storm
Sunday, February 1, 2015
“This journey is not for the faint of heart. This journey is for those who are ready to see their true self, are ready to put into practice how they want to live, and are ready to remove the veil of the false ideals of living in the modern world. This journey is not to be taken lightly.” ~Excerpt from Journal
Waking from my slumber, if you want to call it that, deep in the jungles of Tarapoto I look around blind without glasses or contacts and see just the white of the mosquito net, the rain is falling and I stay in the covers because around me EVERYTHING is wet. Last night I sat in the first ceremony of the 10 day journey in the jungle to drink ayahuasca, no food, ONLY water, no talking, and no eye contact, not that it matters because my hut is down 30 mud stairs carved into the earth off alone from the pack. This hut that has no walls, a roof to shield from the rain (PARTIALLY!), a bed with a mosquito net, a hammock I cannot use because of all the mosquitos, and did I mention a bed?
I am starting to feel hungry, but part of me really does not want any food because I want the cleanse, to feel unhindered by food. The water is fresh, but is not clear, and with all the beautiful minerals of Earth the taste is intense, so I find it hard to drink. A part of me is scared shitless of this journey, but this is what I want. I want to be in the jungle, alone with my thoughts, alone with the plants, animals, feel the wetness of the earth, an experience seven years ago ayahuasca called my psychically to embark upon.
I feel the ayahuasca still vibrating through my veins and I still am having a hard time realizing that I am finally here. That all her previous work through meditations, visits through other plants, and changes in my life brought me to this moment. I can feel the cleanse. My first experience a couple of weeks ago was more of a rebirth, a journey through my actual growth in my mother’s womb, permission from her to continue to work with the plants, visions and ideas on how I am to engage, share, and teach the world how to heal the earth, and most importantly a welcome home party of sorts. A reunion with my soul, her soul, and a sweet enduring reminder that there is never a time I am apart from earth.
Last night aya spent time cleaning all the personal attachments to others and my identity. Cradling me sweetly in her arms as the medicine flows creating ecstatic undulations, raising kundalini through the sushumna nadi guiding me into blissful purging. Blissful purging you ask? Yes! I am happy to release the old, usher in the new, and allow my true nature time and fertile land to grow.
Star Date: Kin 200 Yellow Overtone Sun
Monday, February 2, 2015
“For the first time in my life, I am coming almost fully healthy to a relationship, so there is bound to be bumps with the people I meet because I am learning, I am getting better.” ~Excerpt from Journal
Integration, this is the word of the day. Immersed in this experience I write in my journal the history of relationships with men. I attempt to make a timeline of sorts of the past 13 years. Starting from my first real kiss as a senior in high school with the first boy I chose to love and moving into the long list of traumatic moments in relation. Why so many traumatic experiences?! Should I share? I feel vulnerable in this post but, this timeline is more of a way to understand where I went in my psyche after being raped so shortly after my first real, awakening relationship. I notice in the timeline how my drinking increases with each relation until a culmination of pain finally leads me to the last straw in 2010. I notice how the past wells up in tears overflowing onto the paper, realizing I spent so much time pushing the pain away and doing a major disservice to myself. I do not blame any of the men, I do not blame myself, I only acknowledge and understand how I spent so much time in fear. I can tell this is more of the cleanse from the ceremony two days ago. I no longer feel a connection to the past pain, I feel resolute and joy. It is one thing to mentally believe in my power and another to feel the release and step into the power within my body, which in itself alone is scary. I write an affirmation to remind myself the purpose of this work,
“I release myself from the pain, the hurt, physical abuse, and the physical manifestation of the abuse in my body. I let go of the pain of being raped and reclaim my soul back, my sexuality, my beauty. No longer do I dumb down or push away what I deserve due to fear that is untrue. I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am love, my body is whole, my world is abundant, and I am worth being held, cared for, loved, and celebrated. I am worth a man who wants every part of me, just the way I am.” ~Excerpt from Journal
Star Date: Kin 201 Red Rhythmic Dragon
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
“I do not know what time it is although I see the sun create shadows. Hours turn into days but I make it up the hill to complete a full standing yoga practice. I only drank three cups of water in the past three days, the yoga practice creates a thirst, thank God! My dreams are intense, the land is shaking my existence, my vision returns slowly and my nails look strong and shiny.UPGRADE!” ~Excerpt from Journal
Star Date: Kin 202 White Resonant Wind
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
“Drinking ayahuasca alone is amazing! I miss the songs, but revel in the sounds of the jungle, the silence of human existence, and the deep journey in my physical body. Lesson: physical extractions of gunk.” ~Excerpt from Journal
I think I love drinking ayahuasca on my own because there is only my experience, no songs singing when I long for silence and no one else around but my main lover Pachamama. Last night and into this morning her and I speak sweet words of intention and understanding as she tells me she is going to clean any residual gunk in the lower chakras, heart, and throat chakra. This manifests as a snake inside my body, starting around the womb I see the snake devour black matter, growing in size. The snake moves up the spine, eating black matter all the way up to the heart. The snake spends significant amount of time around the heart and I am in a trance of sorts, there are no other visions, and my mind is clear. I lay in the hut aka bed alone, listening to the sounds of the jungle as the snake moves into the throat chakra. Breaking down black matter, releasing fear of speaking, sharing truths, and writing for others to read my life experiences. I am nauseas and want it to end because I do not know how much more opening and healing I can take at the moment. It is quite overwhelming and aya says to me in her sweet but firm voice, “we can finish this now or I can come back later, it’s your choice.” I battle back in forth between, “let’s end it” and “no wait! let’s finish it so we don’t have to come back.” Ultimately, I chose to end it because there is so much! My body is undulating and vibrating at such a high frequency I do not even know how to contain myself. I reach these points with her where I can feel the full kundalini experience and I think I understand what it means when I read in books about the full meditation experience. I think there is more personal practice without the aid of plants I want to embark upon before staying a long time with her in this state that maybe resembles samadhi. I get the sense that in my personal journey she is just opening the door slightly for me to put my toe into as I use the breeze of her kisses to enhance personal life practice of meditation and discovery.
Star Date: Kin 203 Blue Galactic Night
Thursday, February 5, 2015
“I AM HUNGRY! I can’t stop thinking about all the vegetarian sushi I am going to make when I get back to the states. That is all.” ~Excerpt from Journal
Star Date: Kin 204 Yellow Star Seed
Friday, February 6, 2015
“New creation: a complete in bed yoga class. Maybe I can return to the states and teach in bed. HA! Although I get up and do a full practice, there is so much time left that I find myself stretching in bed the whole time. I also can sit in meditation for much longer now, I don’t know the amount of time because I am not looking at a watch, phone, or anything other than the jungle dense forest around me. This is life. This is my choice. Integration. More things than I can even explain in words. Images that only if I could draw others could see and understand.” ~Excerpt from Journal
Star Date: Kin 206 White Spectral World-Bridger
Sunday, February 8, 2015
“I see. I understand. I know why I am here.”~Excerpt from Journal
I sit and ask aya to show me some of my past lives or maybe the reason why I am here if there is no such thing as past lives. She shows me the first incarnation of who I am. How I came to be and this is beyond magical. There is no way to share in words this experience. I leave this journey as an open invitation for you to ask her yourself one day.
In conclusion, life is one lesson of self-discovery. Do you need ayahuasca to discover who you are? A jungle experience? No! This is the work I do all the time no matter where I am in the world. Is working with the plant amazing? YES! As a lover of plants, most times when there is a chance to learn and experience a new plant, I am very much into the process. I am also a believer that you can work with a plant without ever ingesting or touching the plant, but that is for another post another time. Is this the end? No! There is so much more to say but for now…INTEGRATION.
No one really warned me or told me that Peru is pretty much all mountains. The sacred valley reminds me of the mountains of the west coast and the peaks and valleys of the rainforest remind me of the east coast. I mean in reality the country is so large of course it’s not mountains everywhere but existence is in the valleys and now I understand how deforestation of the rainforest appears.
On this journey between Pucallpa to Tarapoto we ride up north through the rainforest so obviously I get a higher viewpoint of the rainforest rather than the river boat level experience of following the river north to Iquitos. I think next time I come I would like to spend some time on the river but this time Tarapoto is the destination. I am happy about this as I heard going to Iquitos is a sacred war hell. Good and evil duking it out for the resources of the divine rainforest. No thank you! That is not my journey this time. I much rather just go 20+ hours up the river from Pucallpa and enjoy the lower region of the rainforest some more. People are quite humble there and I didn’t feel as though my energy had to be guarded from advances to join such and such “shaman” on an experience I could pay thousands to drink their sacred brew. I also heard in Iquitos you have the corporations and other poachers there to get into the rainforest and a black market…ok I would go just to see what the fuck people have at that market, just to say I’ve seen it but knowing me it would hurt my heart and I much rather have a better grip on my Spanish. Anyway I digress…
The rainforest here reminds me so much of the East Coast of America. Lush green hills with large jungle trees, vines, and a plethora of plant flora. Everything is in a fresh late spring wet bloom of glory. The drops between the moutain stone into the road create miniature waterfalls that flow into the road and off the other side of the mountain into the expansive lower region of the hill and off into the great river. This reminds me so much of the little waterfalls in the hills of Vermont in late spring. The clouds loom into the valleys as the hills peak out for as far as the eye can see.
Parts were lush and so diverse and then the other parts of this journey show how deforestation and farming killed off the diverse flora. Just like in the states, they plow down what exists in the valley and put farms, grass, animals herding. A vast difference from those who lived in the rainforest and had their horse tied to the front door. I do not think one is better than the other just an observation.
5 more hours until we arrive at our destination. With 15hrs under my belt I am getting good at kirtan because I keep playing the same playlist over and over again.
The cold comes in and lingers, days turn into weeks and the cold only gains in momentum. For days, that I add up to weeks, the wind chimes outside my home have yet to stop moving and creating a cacophony of melodious sounds. The sound is beautiful, although I wonder when it will all stop. Days of observations of the psyche, environment, body, and soul continue without respite. Each day a new emotion or a new aha moment of understanding.
The world is upset about politics, the way we are governed, and the outcome of the world. Solutions seem hard to come by as blame and fingers point to those who are “responsible.” As I look out on the metro and notice how new homes/apartments are supposedly improvements or better than ghetto living with the poor. I just don’t see it. I see the buildings as prisons. Humans stacked on top of humans, boxes to live and die in, creating funeral homes of people losing their souls and purpose for living. This idea of being “safe” in a building made of materials that could easily blow away, cause more waste, and perpetuate an industry of illusion. The same one so many are trying to break free from. I look at these old beautiful buildings and don’t understand why people want to destroy the old as a quick fix and erect something new, when there are so many beautiful buildings, sturdy, full of space that can accommodate the human existence. I see the future of your new buildings in the present condition of past buildings. New ghettos popping up everyday.
What will it take to see that using the same solutions that cause problems for most situations will be our downfall? When will we see that by refusing to confront, fix, and appreciate what we already have is the solution to most of the issues in the world? What will it take to show society that we are only as strong as our weakest link? Why can’t we lift each other up and scream for community? What are we really afraid of? Peace? Acceptance? Compassion? NO! We are afraid of the real work, time, and understanding it takes to come up with real long lasting compassionate solutions. We are afraid of the true reality::
THAT IF EVERYONE IS A GOD BEING THEN EVERYONE CAN BE A BEACON OF LIGHT AND TRUTH.
If everyone is that way, then how can you even be considered special or unique?
I have been to the West Coast and seen the beauty of nature, the mountains, hills, Redwoods, and Sequoias reach high into the sky. Take notice! On the East Coast we live in some of the oldest woods and forests. The same forests that nurtured the world for so long. Nature and herbal flora so diverse, just as diverse as the humans that live on the East. Every day we are in this nature, fully exposed yet we plow down the old forests full of fairies, magic, creatures, wilderness, and the most diverse herbal flora in the world to create concrete forest floors with concrete, recycled materials, and glass Redwoods, reaching high into the sky to house the most diverse cultures known to man in one location. Each step you take in this city is on the floor of Pachamama. Maybe on the East coast we forget because Nature doesn’t loom over us to make us feel small, but what is the sky? What are the plants? What are we? Aren’t we worth the chance to allow bio-diversity in all walks of life?
BE YOUR TRUTH. BE THE LIGHT. YOU ARE A BEACON. LIVE IN LOVE AND COMPASSION. THIS IS HOW WE CHANGE THE WORLD!